To support the goal of creating connections with others, I isolated one of the most critical elements of good communication: listening. Communication is simply one of the biggest factors in our relationships. It is a critical element in our work connections, how we see our boss or company leadership, and how we grow (or break) personal relationships. And one of the most critical skills needed is, in fact, not saying anything at all. Those who are introverts do not need to be told this, but perhaps it helps to hear a reminder that everyone has the permission to listen and be quiet.
There are several levels of listening that you may practice, some of which are not serving you. If you recognize that improving your communication would be valuable, then having awareness of how you are listening to others and yourself will help you. And let’s be honest, every one of us could benefit from stronger communication. I have yet to see an organization that did not list communication as one of the key drivers to
improving employee engagement.
The three levels of listening here can help you determine how well you are communicating with others.
Level 1: Listening to Respond
Do you ever find yourself listening to someone with the sole purpose to respond? If you are crafting what you are going to say back in response while someone is speaking, then you are practicing Level 1 listening. It is about you, not the other person. Unless you drop the need to make it about you, you won’t be able to achieve deeper listening. This happens frequently when two people are arguing their opposing political views. They put energy into making their point instead of listening to the other’s view and adjusting their response to match what they hear. Most listening happens at this level. Simply put: You are doing too much talking, and you are making it about you.
Level 2: Listening to Hear
This is when you are listening to really hear the words the other person is saying. You respond only after you’ve processed what’s been said, and it is now about the other person, not you. This helps you start to understand at a higher level, and it helps the other person begin to feel heard. You are proving that by being able to paraphrase back what the other person just said. This is effective listening, but you might be missing some other conversational cues. Simply put: You are hearing the words and focusing on the
other person. Good work.
Level 3: Listening to Feel
If you are deeply listening, you can not only hear what the other person is saying but can also feel what they feel and intuitively hear what isn’t being said. While you might not spend every meeting deep in this level of listening (it takes commitment and presence), this can be a valuable skill to sharpen with your most important relationships. As a result, the other person will truly feel heard and understood. Since our closest relationships are often the ones we take for granted, practice this with your team, your partner, or your children to find maximum impact. Simply put: You can hear and feel more information and can better provide empathy and connection to others.
It is important to be aware of, and choose, when to use each level. Each of us has a different capacity for listening, but, to be sure, it is a muscle that we can train over time.
Erin shows overscheduled, overwhelmed women how to do less so that they can achieve more. Traditional productivity books—written by men—barely touch the tangle of cultural pressures that women feel when facing down a to-do list. How to Get Sh*t Done will teach you how to zero in on the three areas of your life where you want to excel, and then it will show you how to off-load, outsource, or just stop giving a damn about the rest.